Pastor's Desk - Family

May 02, 2021

Dear Family I am happy to greet you again.

This month the light is focused on families. This is something we need to do all the time but especially this month we want to draw attention to our families. I speak of those within this church and those in the community.  My main concern with families biological and church at this time is essentially how grief is being experienced during this unusual period.

This period is unusual as the world has changed for good or ill as a result of COVID-19. There is no such thing as going back to normal however we envision the future. The past year has to be recalibrated, or even reset, and if we attempt to do so we are not getting the same thing. The excessive losses encountered over the last twelve months in this country have had significant impact on individuals and families. The greatest impact is the experience of trauma and grief.

Families have been grieving the loss of key members who became victims of this mindless virus. The attendant losses also include, but not limited to not saying a proper farewell to loved ones, before they died and after death; the gathering around special events and festivals, Christmas, Easter, New Year; not to mention the loss of normal school; champs football, cricket, jobs, entertainment, weddings for those who have had to postpone or scale down. Families have been grieving the loss of corporate worship, which includes the rituals of infant dedication, baptism, the Lord’s supper and just sheer hanging out with each other.

Grief is normal

My advice to families at this time is to accept your grief as a normal. It is not a pathology; it is a normal reaction we make as human beings to loss. Note again, the loss is not only when someone dies, it is any “death” we experience in our lives. And we have been facing many, both at the personal level and the collective and social levels.  Don’t turn on your family members, don’t blame the system. Don’t blame the government. Don’t blame God, just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and even if you feel hopeless at this time, remember the words of Job, I know that my redeemer lives. If you feel like crying, do it. If you feel anxious, it's ok; if you feel fearful and isolated, it is grief and it will change.

Support one another

The greatest need of persons going through grief is not to hear, ‘get over it’. We will never get over grief. It will change in its intensity, and with support, we will mature to the stage where we can manage it and grow from it. In order to do this, we need the support of family and friends who will be present for us and with us. What Mary and Martha needed so much when they lost their brother was support from Jesus who was like family. His presence meant a lot. Jesus identified with their grief so much that he wept, with them.  In your families, be present with one another. Listen to each other, persons may say and do all kinds of irrational things, at this time. Don’t hold it against them, listen and understand that each person is experiencing the pain of loss. Be a soothing therapeutic presence, not an irritating presence, saying the wrong things and asking the wrong questions.

Be patient with one another and the process of grief.

You cannot rush grief. If people do not grieve properly, the pain will emerge in a devastating way. It is our tendency to bury pain, or to dismiss it, or to hurry on. This can happen at the micro-level and the macro level. I believe that is why we are having so many ‘waves’ of the virus as we cannot wait until it is out of the system. We want to ‘get on with life” by ‘getting on with life’ we fail to observe some of the protocols we need to and that further exposes all of us. Hence the need for patience from all of us. Be patient with yourself. Treat your self when you can. Take a break; celebrate when you are able to do the right things. Don’t blame yourself for not planning a little better. This caught us all by surprise. Grief takes time.

Finally, keep faith and hope alive.

The guru of grief studies, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief that we all go through. These are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These stages are not linear, and some of us may go through some and not all. Some may remain at one longer than the other.  When she wrote these, she was dealing with what is referred to as ‘anticipatory grief’. Much like what we are experiencing under COVID. Some of the questions which come to mind are, will I get COVID? Can the vaccine really help? What will happen after? Will my family member survive? Will I be able to finish school? Will my marriage survive this period? Will I ever have closure since losing my mom, father so suddenly? Will we ever be able to go back to church as we use to? While we ask these questions, we may pass through all the stages. Yet for all these questions only God knows the answers. Job found that out. The disciples discovered that after Easter.

For all of us therefore, it’s a focus on our resurrected Christ who gives victory over all circumstances.  David Kessler, a grief therapist added another stage to Kubler-Ross’s and that is Meaning. This I think is where we need to be. We may never receive answers in this life, but we can ask God to help us to understand, to give meaning to our losses. Then we can say like Babbie Mason,

God is too wise to be mistaken

God is too good to be unkind

So when you don't understand

When we don't see His plan

When you can't trace His hand

Trust His Heart

Let me encourage you to be resilient as earthly families and as the family of God, accept grief as normal, support one another, be patient with one another, and keep faith and hope in God who gives meaning to our pain.

Amen.